Thailand

I'm sorry I'm sorry it's been ages I know...

Thailand. A place you hear so much about. So many crazy stories. And so many moments where you say. "We HAVE to do it. We're in Thailand..." 

That's the attitude you take. Especially in Bangkok. So much so on the bus to Bangkok Sally asked me "Are you not going to the Palace in Bangkok Ben?" I said: "Sally. I didn't come to Bangkok to see no palaces. I came to Bangkok to see tits and ping pong balls and that's it!" And that's exactly what I did!

Bangkok is a pretty average city during the day. Not much different from places like Kuala Lumpur and Saigon. But it's at night the place gives you what so many people look for. What I call "The Bangkok experience"

I had two very cool and very funny nights out. The most interesting of which was the second night where myself and a few of the boys went to a place called Pat Pong. It's a street of strip clubs and sex shows and a market for some reason. I went to see a show with Russel, Colin and Denis (all of whom are in their 50s!) and I thought it was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life! I never knew girls could do so many things with their lady parts... There was ping pong balls, bananas, bunting, chains and RAZOR BLADES being pushed in and out of them as well as being shot up into the air as high as 8 foot and caught again. In my book..that's talent! And that's entertainment....

On the third day. I felt guilty and went to the palace. So I ate my words and Sally was right!

The Palace in Bangkok. All my other Bangkok photos are X Rated!

Palace Bangkok

The actual Royal Palace

Feeling hungover and considerably poorer than when I went, we left Bangkok and got the overnight train to Chang Mai. Chang Mai is a reasonably small town in the north of the country. You come here for one main reason-Elephants!

A few of us booked into this elephant tour. You go in the morning and spend the day there. We had an absolutely amazing time, one of the best days on the trip. When we arrived they made us change into this incredibly stylish blue denim outfit then you went and fed them bananas and sugar cane. They loved them! It was actually pretty nerve racking at first until you trusted them because they're so frickin big! But you soon learned that they're very gentle animals and their minders the Manhouts were very much in control of them. After you'd fed them they taught you how to ride them. They taught you the commands that were in Burmese and you had to lead them left and right and around a tree. After lunch we took them for a walk up into the woods. All the girls had female elephants but I had a male. When we stopped at the top of the hill the Manhout was telling us all about  the personalities of our elephants. It was incredible to listen to about how intelligent they are and how they're almost exactly like people. Some of them are moody, some are playful and they all have good and bad days. There was one elephant there that for some reason didn't like him and he was telling us that every time he walked past him the elephant would pick up stones and dirt from the ground and throw them at him! When we finished the walk then he proved it to us.

I felt very attached to my elephant. He was like me in quite a number of ways:
- He was the only boy amongst a load of girls. Like me
- He had a massive schlong that dragged off the ground with a life of its own. Like me.
- He was known to get so horny twice a year that he became aggressive towards the Manhouts and has to be chained up in the forest for two weeks until his hormones subside. Ok I've never been chained in the forest!
- He gets mad if he gets hungry or doesn't have enough food. Exactly like me!

You see. Elephants are like people.

After the walk we took them for a bath and washed and bathed them in a big lake full of elephant shit which was great! All in all a dam fun day!

Elephant Kiss

Washing in a pool of shit

More kissing

Riding Lessons

Trekking

After getting soaked

The gang at the end of the day

From here we went down to a town called Kanchanaburi. This place is very popular with tourists for two reasons. The Tiger sanctuary and the bridge over the River Kwai. And I didn't experience either!

We were there for two days. The first day we got a bus out to the Erawan waterfalls. These were really really cool. They were like a natural water park. Basically they are seven waterfalls along a mountain stream. You start at the bottom and work your way up and you can swim in the water. It was a great experience and tiring! There was even one with a natural slide that you could slide down. The only problem was the little fish that were in the water would nip you trying to eat your dead skin. It didn't hurt but man it ticked like crazy. You might hear stories of me screaming like a girl when these little fish were at my feet but none of those rumours are true...

In the Pool at the waterfall

Me and Denis getting ready to slide

Under a waterfall

The next day the gang went out to the Tigers but a few of us had read online that the Tigers were treated poorly and abused. This turned out not to be true as the guys and a great time and really enjoyed it but hey you can't win them all! Instead Susan, Zoe, Aoife and I rented really manly looking bikes and cycled around the country side. We visited some caves with Buddas inside that were really nice to see. We saw a huge memorial graveyard for the soldiers that dies in Thailand during the war that was actually quite moving. A lot of the stones had little messages on them from the families and it was really sad reading them as well as seeing the ages of the soldiers. From here we went for lunch and then TESCO!!

On the way back from Tesco we were on our way to the Bridge over the River Kwai (made famous by the film!). We were just moseying along quite content with life as the sun was shining when two guys came along on a moped and snatched Aoife's bag from the basket of her bike and sped off!! We chased them as far as we could but there was no catching them.. Only one word to describe those fellas - C**TS!! Me and Aoife spent the rest of the afternoon telling our story over and over again to these Police men as well as going down to the station to make a statement. But to no avail! She lost her camera, wallet and loads of other stuff but luckily no Passport. Kanchanaburi became not so affectionately known as Snatchanaburi from then on.

Next up was somewhere we'd all been looking forward to-Beach week! This is the week in the trip where you're off to fend for yourself and it just so happens to be on an island off the coast of Thailand. We chaose Koh Phangan and it ended up that a lot of us were at the same resort on the beach. It was a proper week long beach holiday in paradise. There actually isn't a whole lot of things to say about the week because we did NOTHING and I mean nothing. It was a holiday within a holiday and it was paradise. I've broken down the week as much as I can but detail is not something that will be interesting.

Day1. Nothing
Day2. Went to watch Ireland beat the Ozzies (Wohoo!!) at a bar with a swing rope into a lake within an inflatable hill that you can climb up and push people off.
Day3. Went to Colin & Wendy's apartment down the beach, ate prawns and drank Sangria and got into their jacuzzi with the girls. I was all up for taking the togs off but they weren't having it.
Day4. Rented a moped. Crashed it within 30 seconds which cost me a fortune to fix. Went and visited Denis & Steve in their resort for some cynicism and Rum.
Day 5. Went out on the moped a little bit around the island. Ate cake.
Day 6. Went to the half moon party. Not as epic as the Full Moon's supposed to be but still good fun.
Day 7. Nothing.

The Pool

Beach

Restaurant on the Beach

More Beach

The girls enjoying a Beach Beer

The Pool!

Sunset..

In the Jacuzzi at Colin & Wendy's..

Before we left Thailand we spent two nights in a National Park staying in tree houses in the rainforest. All I can say about it is it PISSED rain the whole time we were there and I saw a monkey and got lost in the rainforest on my way back from the pub so a Thai woman had to help me home or I woulda been fecked!!

To sum up Thailand, I had a great time there but it wouldn't be my favorite country. Probably in the bottom 3 in fact. The place is so saturated now with Tourism that it's just like going on a holiday to Spain. When a Thai person looks at you all they're concerned about is how much money they can make off you and as soon as they've done that they're not interested anymore. I know that's life an all that but it's not what we've experienced in the other places we've been to...

And yes. Ladyboys EVERYWHERE so watch out...

Next up will be my last Blog of the Odyssey expedition :(

It'll be Malaysia!!